i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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