I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
