you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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