Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
