If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
