I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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