I'm pants shitting drunk right now
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
