u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
