She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
