I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
