I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize