when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
