she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
