I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize