I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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