I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
