Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
