Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
