Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
