I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I can't turn off my feet"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Randomize
