just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I am mentally ready for anal.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
