I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
