so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
