I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
