i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
