Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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