Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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