why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
