I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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