EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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