Four minutes until I can fart!
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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