She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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