ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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