I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Drunk is a universal language darling
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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