So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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