saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
