She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
