haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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