I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
