Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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