My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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