Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
