last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
