that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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