At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
