my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
