i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
