Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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