So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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