Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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