can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
