genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
