My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
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