chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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