WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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