Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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