God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
