We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
