she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize