I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
