after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Someone came in the potted fern
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize