sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
There r osticjed everywhere
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize