I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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