Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
