He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Those nachos came to me in a dream
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
