I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
