omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
