I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
