He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
