I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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