By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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