ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
