i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
i believe in u and ur pee
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize