so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
