Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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