You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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