by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
