in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
