I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
3 2 1 whiskey
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
