So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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