Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
