From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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