Banned from zoo.
Again?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
